How is my story so far?

PROLOGUE-

“Sorry I’m la-“ a pistol was pointed straight at my face as I entered the crowded class room.

“Stay away from our son!” Mr. Holcomb shielded Daniel from my puzzled gaze.

“What’s going on?” I stared pleadingly at my classmates for answers, only receiving shameful gazes and fallen heads.

“We know what you are, Riley Anne. All of us do, and we want you to leave,” Daniel’s mother clutched her son without looking at me.

“Wha- What do you mean?” my stomach shriveled up to the size of a quarter and my knees buckled. Mrs. Holcomb pulled an old video cassette from her jacket pocket and released Daniel, slowly trudging towards the TV. On the screen, an image flickered. The video of our experiment with the professor in his office flashed across the ancient glass. It looked terrible.

“Who the hell gave you this!?” I slammed my hand on the desk, denting its hard black surface. Lucas slithered out of my bag and hovered silently, only inches from my head.

“We have a reliable source,” my teacher, Mr. Underwood, pulled the tape from the TV.







Chapter 1 - Party - NOT FINISHED

It rained the whole car ride to Aunt Kathryn's house. Everything about the cold, dark sky reminded me of my Aunt's unwavering forbidding stares. I didn't know why Daniel and I had been invited. Perhaps Aunt Kathryn needed to perfect her biting wit or had grown bored insulting the neighbors in muttered undertones behind a mendacious smile and lukewarm tea. If not for Daniel, who slept restlessly in the passenger seat as if he too felt the oppressive clouds bearing down on him as they drew nearer, I wouldn’t have even considered going.

The drive form Baltimore to Buda was unbearable. The landscape grew darker as we approached my Aunt’s house. Passing over the Hays county line, a cold sensation trickled down my spine, as if I were pursuing death itself.

“Whoa!” Daniel jerked forward in his seat, slapping his forehand on the window of my Xterra.

“We just passed the county line,” I warned him, glancing at a six car pile-up on the opposite road.

“Oh,” Daniel whispered slowly, rubbing his slightly bruised hand, “How much longer?”

“About ten minuets so get ready,” I took the exit leading through a maze of trees, fading the atmosphere to pitch black besides the faint glow from my headlights.



“This is her house?” Daniel stared in disbelief at the un-kept lawn.

“It’s farther back, you dummy,” I giggled faintly at his assumption. The last giggle I would probably have for an eternity, or at least a week. Suddenly in the blackness of the lawn, a two dim porch lights flickered in the darkness. The silhouette of a petite figure leaped out one of the mahogany front doors. Racing towards us was my Aunt Kathryn’s daughter, Helen. I always loved to see Helen, especially when she visited without Aunt Kathryn. It was usually her that kept me from a spiraling depression during visits. Her blonde, curly hair bounced playfully in my face as she constricted me with her thin arms.

“Riley Anne! I’ve missed you so much! Come on! Come inside!” Helen pulled her baby blue night robe from the clutch of a dead rosebush inside the wrought iron gate, “Here, Daniel, let me help you.” Helen elevated our two massive suite cases in each arm, trudging up the wet grey stones. Aunt Kathryn’s house was far too big for her. She had a second floor that was never used aside from a bedroom, a formal dining room that has been gathering dust for twenty years, a kitchen the size of a small restaurant, only used by Helen and the butler, Fernando, a formal living room, and a tea room, only inhabited by Aunt Kathryn herself.





Are there ny changes that need to be made? This isn't the whole chapter so far.How is my story so far?
There's a big debate about point-of-view of the writer, and my two favorite are first person and third person omniscent, with the latter my favoring, but here I really like your first person style and you really made it work for you.



Talk about a beggining... It's amazingly mysterious and I absolutely dig how it entraps you so you have to keep reading. Your enless volleys of descriptions paint a vivid picture with flawless glamour, but maybe you could throw in something about age for Helen, just in relation to your character. Like significantly younger or older or prettty much the same.



I really think you could go somewhere with this story, and I dont think there's really anyhting that needs to be changed.



Keep rockin, - John



"Writing can get one through hard times with no money better than money can get one through times of no writing."How is my story so far?
Hey! This is my first answer to a question on yahoo - feel special! :D

Firstly, fab start to the story, not anything wrong with it all. You have a great style of not explaining EVERYTHING to the reader - which is annoying, for example where you say,

'The last giggle I would probably have for an eternity, or at least a week'

This leaves the reader curious as to what is about to happen.

Also, the story flows really well, you don't dwell on long-winded descriptions or too much dialogue - its well balanced.

Really, the only thing i can think to suggest would be:

- try not to use too many adjectives. Try using metaphors, personification, even similes or something but too many adjectives can really make the reader look as though they're trying too hard. Obviously you can use some but don't go mad.

- try not to use adverbs that typically end in '-ly' such as,

'“Oh,” Daniel whispered slowly'

To make it sound more natural get rid of the adverb and change the sentence; for example,

"Oh," Daniel whispered with hesitance,'



Hope I could give you some positive criticism and don't go away thinking your crap because the adverbs and adjectives thing loads of people just do anyway but it's just something my teacher told me to try and limit in english lit - thought i'd pass on the suggestion.

Good luck with your story! It sounds like a good start!

~ Jill